I am a wife and mother, but first and foremost I am a woman.  Few things scare me more than being out of control.  I am a control freak (anyone who knows me can attest to this) and so when my primary care physician called me a mere two hours after my first mammogram ever to tell me they needed to see me back, that deep fear of being out of control swept through me.  When after getting the repeat mammogram the radiologist told me the ultrasound they’d scheduled me for that day was not necessary and they were sending me for a biopsy, something in me just stopped.  I heard the words coming out of his mouth, but it was like white noise.  I nodded, thanked him, got dressed and left.  In my heart of hearts I just knew it wasn’t going to be good.  The idea that this could defeat me never entered my mind, though.  I went into business mode.  Let’s get this done, just repeated over and over again.  I have kids and a husband and plans.  I am going to move to Europe in 10 years, breed dogs (you can check out my other blog, Raising Ramahere).  I don’t have time for this.

While I do have a family history of cancer, I have no knowledge of anyone having breast cancer.  Here we go again, I thought, thinking back on the years of trouble my uterus has given me.  Surgery after surgery just about wore me down and certainly left scars upon my marriage.  I remember looking at my films and muttering outloud, “Well motherfucker,”as I stood shoulder-to-shoulder with the nurse just prior to my biopsy.  She nodded sympathetically.  We just sort of stared at it, “that doesn’t look good.”  
This blog is about my journey from that first day to where I am now, two days away from a bilateral mastectomy and delayed immediate reconstruction.  It will follow me through my surgery and recovery.  I do plan on posting photos of my reconstruction process as well as videos, so if you are under 18 or averse to these types of images, be aware.I have not yet been diagnosed with cancer.  I have been diagnosed with ADH (Atypical Ductal Hyperplasia) and ALH (Atypical Lobular Hyperplasia).  After an MRI they found another suspicious mass.  I am not a candidate for the popular drug therapy of choice and I was not satisfied with a wait-and-see approach.  I know my body.  The appearance of yet another concerning spot within two months of the first mammogram was no surprise to me.  My choice to undergo a bilateral mastectomy was the only one that made sense to me from the get-go.  It is a controversial decision and there are those who may feel the decision I have made is unnecessary and far too radical.  For me, it was the only decision I could live with.  I have always been an all-or-nothing kind of girl.  This was no exception.
I hope chronicling my experience might help someone who is facing some of the same challenges and choices.
Thanks for visiting my blog.  🙂

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